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November 8, 2004

Top 5 Personal Ad Mistakes For Women

I love reading personal ads, and critique them here. Most people need to be a bit more creative on personal ads, and get the attention of the readers as soon as they can. Here are the top 5 mistakes in personal ads written by women FOR men:

1. Men stopped mentally maturing at 16 years old. Oh, i'm sure some guys put up a strong front, but deep down they are all children. When writing, key in on those things that you think a 16 year old guy wants. Common mistakes & fixes:

  • Long walks on the beach = bad. Sex on the beach = good.
  • Looking for Mr. Right = bad. Looking for Mr. Right Now = good.
  • Doesn't like a guy who plays games = bad. Looking for a guy who likes Xbox = good.
  • Needs someone that won't tie them down = bad. Needs someone they can tie up = good.
  • Likes classical music & foreign films = bad. Likes classic rock & foreign porn movies = good.

    2. Leave your baggage at home. How many personal ads are really a cry for help? There are some common threads in all the personal ads which really tell a lot about the woman and the guy they were dating. Here are my favorites:

  • "Looking for someone trustworthy." - you dated a liar.
  • "Looking for someone classy." - If you say "classy" you aren't "classy".
  • "Loves to appreciated." - someone was ignored too much.
  • "Loves to travel" - especially when its on my boyfriend's dime.
  • "Someone who is open and ready for a new relationship..." - looking to marry.

    3. Men are shallow. Its sad, but true. When putting those pictures up on jdate.com or match.com - you *may* want a guy friend to give the thumbs up or down. A few pictures that men don't want to see:

  • The cut-off picture. You know that picture. Its the one of you and the half of ex-boyfriend's left arm.
  • 1998 Graduation picture. Usually holding a rose to your cheek or starting off in the distance with a lithium induced smile...no.
  • Blurry or distant pictures. Ok, lets get real here. You have the ad up, lets get a clear picture of you up there. Leave the games for the first date.
  • A RECENT picture. Yes, you were hot at 21 and not at 31.

    4. Men are stupid. You must realize that you women are actually the real ones running the show? We are dumb. We can be so easily fooled and manipulated if you only knew those important things that motivate men. So make sure you keep the personal ad simple and key in on things that men like: Sex and Comfort. For sex, causually mention your bra size or how you keep toned and fit by going to the gym 3 times a week. For comfort, write about how you love to cook to love to give blowjobs. I'm sure women are just groaning when they read this, but i'm just the dispenser of this secret information. Find me a man who is unhappy in a relationship and its either their women is terrible in bed or not keeping him happy (food is a good comfort for some men). For you women in relationships, you want your man to do something? Here is the quick checklist to get a man to do anything you want:

  • Open a nice bottle of red wine, and turn the TV to ESPN.
  • Cook him a great filet mignon, with his favorite sides.
  • Follow within 10 minutes with a blowjob. It works better if you are blowing him, and not someone else.
  • Hand him your J. Crew catalog and casually mention how you tabbed certain pages & orders for him to call in.
  • Brush your teeth & head to the gym.

    5. Lie. Ok, i'm kidding don't lie. But then again, be careful how truthful you are on the personal ad. Here is a primer that was forward to me via email by another poster, which may help you:

  • 40-something = 48
  • Adventurous = slept with the football team and mascot.
  • Affectionate = psycho jealousy
  • Artist = flake
  • Athletic = flat chest
  • Average looking = ugly
  • Beautiful = pathological liar
  • Communication important = she talks, you listen.
  • Educated = never graduated from college, but thinks she is smarter than you.
  • Emotionally Secure = with the help of medication
  • Employed = would you like fries with that?
  • Enjoys art and foreign films = they also don't enjoy showering or shaving.
  • Enjoys Nature = likes to smoke pot
  • Exotic Beauty = next contestant on 'The Swan' or 'Extreme Makeover'
  • Feminist = fat or a ball buster
  • Financially Secure = tightfisted
  • Free spirit = drug addict
  • Friendship first = born again virgin
  • Fun = Fun for the first 3 dates and then gets on your nerves.
  • Gentle = Boring
  • Good Listener = Boring
  • Humorous = Sarcastic asshole
  • Intuitive = Opinionated
  • In Transition = Just got thrown out of their apartment
  • Light drinker = Light drinker from 8am-noon.
  • Looks younger = Younger than Matlock or Angela Lansbury.
  • Loves Animals = Cat lady
  • Old-fashioned = Christian & boring in bed.
  • Open-minded = Willing to do anything to land a partner.
  • Petite = short & fat.
  • Reliable = frumpy.
  • Self-employed = jobless
  • Spiritual = Some new age freak.
  • Tall, thin = Anorexic
  • Voluptuous = big & fat
  • Weight proportional to height = extremely fat
  • Writer = Pompus

    Good luck with those personal ads! Feel free to send me links to any bad ones out there, I love to critique them!!


    • Posted by Furey at November 8, 2004 1:14 PM

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    Comments

    Furey,
    Nice link to the Hobokenchat dissections. For all you ladies reading this, keep in mind that he's single... so you can send your ads to him, complete with picture!

    Posted by: mel at November 8, 2004 6:15 PM

    Don't take any advice from GiselaShore!

    Posted by: Anonymous at November 9, 2004 7:25 AM

    ok - so according to your wonderful tips, there is no way of writing a successful personal ad. Because by taking out all the adjectives above - this only leaves me with: Hi - I am blonde!
    And trust me, that one usually works...yet not really ;-)

    Posted by: t. at January 3, 2005 11:10 PM

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