Breaking up is hard to do

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I started to edit and add text to a script that I have been writing for the last 2 years.

I don't take it tremendously seriously, but I enjoy the theraputic benefits to it.

The script is the factual / autobiographical account of one of my relationships, along with some creative insight and fiction. It deals with the subject of "game playing" in relationships and also pokes a lot of fun at the subject.

I was reading over some of the stuff I had written and one thing always jumps out at me.

Its how women, many women who I have known over the years, who have serious problems when it comes to properly breaking up with guys.

Far too often I have known women who simply don't cleanly break things off with a guy. They don't say "Its OVER. I don't want to see you anymore."

A lot of times its "I still want to be friends." - and the women are genuine about this. They do want to be friends. They want to have the guy as a boyfriend, sans sex.

The problem is that most guys don't think that way. If a girl that they still like/love is giving them the time of day - they are going to imagine that there is still a chance with her (chance = chance of getting sex). He will still call, and still email and still want to see the ex-girlfriend even if she is dating other people.

I don't know how many times I get from girls who tell me...

Her reaction: "Oh God. He did it again. We were out at Pottery Barn and he broke down and told me how much he missed me and wanted me back! Can you believe that?"

My reaction: "Of course I can! He thinks that there is still a chance. You have to say these exact words: ITS OVER. You have to stop seeing him. You are being selfish!"

Her reaction: "Why am I being selfish?! He knows its not happening anymore!"

My reaction: "Nooooo. You are still talking to him. You are still emaling him. You are acting like you are his friend."

Her reaction: "I want to be his friend, I just don't want to date him anymore."

My reaction: "That is the problem. HE...WANTS...TO...DATE...YOU! Get it?"

Her reaction: "Oh."

My reaction: "Ahhhh. See. Now imagine that YOU liked some guy. He was lukewarm to you...how many times have you heard those girlfriends of yours whine when some guy who "really really likes her" calls her at 3am for a booty call - then doesn't understand why the next day he acts like an asshole again?"

Her reaction: "That's different..."

My reaction: "Nope. Different strokes for different folks. A guy is driven by sex. Period. Once you learn that a girl can use that to her advantage."

Her reaction: "That is SO UNTRUE."

My reaction: "Ok, why?"

Her reaction: "I have plenty of guy friends who tell me that isn't true. They aren't driven by sex."

My reaction: "That is what guys tell girls. They aren't going to admit that they are dogs. Me telling you this - I have nothing to gain, i'm actually telling you the truth. Men are dogs. They run around with their dicks leading the way. Look at everything around you - in advertising as a perfect example. Look at every single thing that is directed towards selling men - its all sex. Buy a porsche and you will get laid. Buy a certain beer and you will get twins. Heck look at half the TV shows on CBS - they have the fat, paunchy guy and his thin never-in-a-million-years-would-she-marry-this-guy wife."

Her reaction: "What is your point?"

My reaction: "My point is that you want to be pals with your ex. It can't happen. As much as you want it to be like "Friendship City" - all you are doing is being selfish. You are dragging his heart over coals when you text message him about seeing a movie. It gets his hopes up. He doesn't think "Movie", he thinks "She wants me back!" Then when he hears about your new boyfriend or some guy you are dating...it kills him. But he will take it like some 80's John Cusack movie because he thinks that maybe there is the chance that your friendship will evolve into a relationship while Peter Gabriel's song "In your eyes" plays in the background.

Her reaction: "So what do I do?"

My reaction: "You don't call. You don't write. You be cordial if you see him in public. That's it. You must express clearly that "Its over!"

Her reaction: "But i'm not 100% sure if its over. Maybe one day I will have feelings for him again..."

My reaction: "That's fine. And maybe it will happen. But if you respect him and care about HIS feelings and not YOUR feelings - you will do him a favor by cutting him off. Maybe one day, in the future, you can be "friends again". My hard-fast rule is that you can try "bring friends" after he successfully moves on with his life. That means he is dating someone else and has lost that interest in you in a 'girlfriend sort of way'.

Her reaction: "Well, I'll think about it."

I have had this happen to me, plenty of times. I have so many girls in my life who want to be friends with me and I like them very much. 99% of the time they have boyfriends (or are dating someone).

It is my fault, too. I shouldn't be letting myself get into these situations - but, its always hard to have logic topple emotion.

How many times has someone in your life offered you logical, rational advice in a relationship - and you do the exact opposite?

Its because of emotion and hope that a lot of people base their sometimes unrealistic thoughts on. You think that maybe if she breaks up with her boyfriend you might have a shot.

I remember once, a long time ago that happened. A girl who I adored broke up with her boyfriend. I was like "Let the games begin!"

What did I do?

Not a god damned thing.

I was trying to respect the whole breakup and not pounce too early and blah blah blah....

She met a guy like 3 months after the breakup, while I was still playing Mr. Nice Friend. Sigh. They have been dating for years now, and doesn't appear to be ending anytime soon.

Just remember that guys are simple creatures - and need to be told after you break up with them "It's OVER.". Or you will be doing the right thing.

1 Comment

E-A-G-L-E-S Iggles.

This jinx sucks and it's quite obvious SI has it in for us. If there was ever a year that jinxes can be overthrown and the unthinkable can happen, it's this year baby. We're going to win!

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This page contains a single entry by Furey published on January 25, 2005 9:58 AM.

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