Hoboken Relationship Stages

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It seems that everyone I talk to in Hoboken has a different defintion of "dating". Here is what I have gathered so far:

1. Strangers in the Night
-We are all the strangers on the streets. In the gym. At the bar. You never know if the person next to you is Mrs. Right or Mrs. Right Now. But at some point you have to talk to them.

2. Drunken Hookups
-Beer has been getting people laid for the last 4,300 years. This town is no exception, with over so many bars to choose from. While I was a bartender I watched many of the drunken masses play tonsil hockey in the middle of the bar. Which can lead to...

3. One Night Stand
-In my 10 years in Hoboken, there are very few actual One Night Stand friends of mine (Counting last weekend, I have a total of zero). It's like trying to find a parking spot within 5 minutes of arriving in town - sure, it happens. But it doesn't happen very often. Kudos to those studs and studettes who are getting the nookie.

4. Seeing Each Other
-This is the "grey area" of dating and just getting drunk with people and hooking up. It can be many variations, just simple kissing. Maybe some foreplay. Add in a dash of blowjobs. But, according to many - this doesn't include intercourse.

5. Friends With Benefits
-Now most friends with Benefits is the next stage. Sure, you can be buddy pal with a girl and have sex with her - but really don't see them otherwise. They are the drunken dialers - the casual, breezy thing you have at a summer house that you plan on ending September 6th.

6. Dating
-4 out of 5 Hobokenites agree that "dating" is the inbetween stage of "seeing each other" to "exclusively dating". Most people agree that it takes about 3-4 dates before you should be knocking boots. Not 3-4 nights when you get drunk at City Bistro and make out with your new hot thing. Not 3-4 drunken one night stands. Not 3 to 4 times where you go over there house to watch "Big Brother 6". During this stage you can be dating other people.

7. Exclusively Dating
-This is usually by the time you are calling each other "boyfriend" and "girlfriend". You aren't dating anyone else. You bought a toothbrush, and keep it at their place. You feel comfortable enough to fart in front of her. She calls that time of the month, "Her little friend" - warning you that sex is out for tonight. This lasts until...

8. Living Together
-Some people get stuck in this stage and some consider it the "trial run". What I have found out, with intense research is the following: LIVING TOGETHER IN NO WAY WILL BE ANYTHING LIKE MARRIAGE. Just in case you think you will still be getting blowjobs on the kitchen table when you are married - you won't. You worry about other things when you are married. Like taxes and mortgages and savings.

9. Engaged
Everyone celebrates their engagement! Especially the folks at DeBeers. Some people move in together at this point. Some don't. Everyone starts marriage planning, bachelor parties and honeymoons.

10. Married
Congrats! You can now jump on to theknot.com, post your silly picture and proclaim to the world how your beloved-to-be loves you. Then in 5 years when you realize what a terrible mistake that was, you go back to stage #1, except you now have a couple of dogs and cats in your condo that you won in the divorce.

"Well, let me be the first to say congratulations to you man; you have one vagina for the rest of your life. Real smart man." Beanie, "Old School"

Here are my random thoughts on what I see in town...

1) Is it me or do people invest a lot of self-worth in relationships? If you are dating someone - that means you are worth something. If not, then you are a hideous troll that should be chased out of town by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks.

I, myself, don't date very much. Ask anyone who knows me - I just don't go up to women. I hate the whole meat market bar scene (and i'm sure i'm not alone judging from match.com / jdate.com / eharmony.com). I'd rather just become friends with someone thru my friends and go from there. Nearly everyone I dated I met thru another friend.

On the opposite extreme are people who are ALWAYS in relationships? It's sad to see. They break up with boyfriend "A" and 6 weeks later are dating boyfriend "B" - still carrying luggage/issues from boyfriend "A". When boyfriend "B" doesn't live up to her standards...she is on to the next.

I always give people the same advice - after you break up you got to get your head on straight before you dive into another relationship. 3 months minimum before you get serious again. Dr. Furey's orders.

2) My roommate got the ultimate gift the other night. At Green Rock, chatting with friends and a hot girl walks up to him to chat him up. Ka-Ching. He and I were both laughing about it because that is so rare in our lives! Hey, more power to that girl. He ended up getting the digits.

3) One major problem is that supply of hot people means that everyone is always trying to get something better.? Meet a cute girl? Great. You date her and then you meet a cute girl, with a nice body. Ooh, date her. You meet a cute girl, nice body, great job. Ooh, date her. You meet a cute girl, nice body, great job, trust fund...no one can be happy with what they have.

4) Why is it that once people get into a relationship they disappear from their single friends? That is an open-ended question, but I have known some people who aren't this way (Tina & Randy - Maria & Ryan). But I know some others who have dropped off the face of the planet. Brad & Nicole lived in Hoboken (at 333 River) for 2 years (while they were married) before they moved into the suburbs and I think I hung out with them about 10 times.

5) Club H and Match.com need to get together. Some of the town's hottest women are in that gym. Wow. I have a strict policy of not gawking or bothering women at the gym, but man alive.

3 Comments

The FwB is more then you described. I have one and we are very close friends that do normal things that friends do. We just have sex on the DL. None of our friends know.

Not one One Nighter in Hoboken in 10 years? Hmmmmmm....

Dude- you're funny! But seriously, not a single one night stand in 10 years?!?!? You forgot the "married w/kid stage" where you can go out but have to be in by 7:30pm.

Damn my honesty! Yea, i'm lame. Also my idea of a one night stand is - meet a stranger, go home, have sex and never see them again. I met strangers, went home, had sex and then dated/FwB for a brief while...does that count?

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This page contains a single entry by Furey published on July 13, 2005 2:32 PM.

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