Dissecting A Personal Ad

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I was on New York metro today, reading some stories, when I emailed this link to a friend, saying how there is no chance this is a real personal ad. Two reasons. One she is hot. Two, I have seen this ad up for a good year. Three, what real girl is gonna choose "Mantrap" as the name. Sounds like NYMetro Personals Admin decided to create a fake ad to lure in unsuspecting men. That's just my take on it.

This was from my original Hobokenchat thread, but i'm sure many people haven't read it. I just like people watching and part of that is also reading personals. I think they are hilarious because if you can read between the lines, you really can see what they are saying. This is all tongue-in-cheek, I hope you all have a sense of humor when reading it...so enjoy...and learn from their mistakes...

Ad #1:

In a town full or bars and restaurants galore, my friends and I dont know where the good guys are hiding....
Obviously any reference to "good guys" means that someone got burned by a "bad boy". Also any time a woman puts in a personal ad something like "Looking for an honest man" - yep another one zapped by the bad boys

Do you enjoy any of the following~ reading, movies, theater, music, sports (baseball, football), travel...
Why not just add in 'eating' and 'breathing' to that list of things people like to do?! Hello, Ms. Generic

I am a petite & curvy SWF
Read: Short & Fat

I am 33 please be over 30.
I'm single at 33 & a woman which means that I have some serious baggage. Emailer be warned!

Im considered outgoing, friendly, dedicated and all that other good stuff...
Considered by her therapist to be these things.

please drop a line and say hello and see for yourself!
You will see how fast this chick starts stalking you...


Ad #2 - To be fair I will also dissect a male personal, which are almost as funny...

TIRED OF THE BAR SCENE?
Translation: I have been striking out at the 'bar scene' - I need a personal ad to find a date

I am a good-looking, white, 29-year-old Wall Street stock analyst
Notice ladies, 'wall street' reference right off the bat? Plus he is 'good looking' - so good looking that he is tired of fending off the ladies at the 'bar scene'.

with a very athletic build and a great sense of humor
Guys always highlight things like job, looks and build, because we are shallow fools...i hope his great sense of humor includes me blasting his personal

I enjoy travel, skiing, hiking, working out, fine dining, theater, museums, movies, and going out on the town.
Working out - big suprise, He-Man. Fine dining? Dear Lord, another money reference. Give it a break pal, stop with the insecurity!!

I am seeking an attractive
Notice ladies his first thing made no mention to personality, humor, or whatever silly things you think that attract men to women. The guy lays it down off the hop - you better not be some hippy, non-shaven Berkenstock girl...

thin female, 21-28,
Well pal you just shot yourself in the foot, didn't ya? Mind as well just have said "Also hoping she likes to cook, clean and give bl0wjobs every 8 hours".

who likes the outdoors
this coming from Mr. Fine Dining

travel
No, most women hate travelling. Also don't forget to add that Mr. Wall Street pays for all travel expenses...

and having a good time.
Again, bl0wjobs


Ad #3

Hi, I'm a 26 year old single professional female looking to meet someone nice out there.
First sentence has a 'nice' reference. She is only 26, so the odds say that she had 1 bad boyfriend post-college guy who would call her at 3am drunk on Saturdays and come over for sex after he was trolling the NYC bars for someone other than her.

People don't believe me I'm not dating anyone but the truth is that I am really haven't find the right person.
Read: 'People' = My parents. 'Haven't found the right person'= The nice doctor/lawyer who makes $300,000.

I can't believe I'm doing this but I figured it's worth a try.
This is the cliche of all personal ads and basically boring people put this in their personal because they have nothing better to say. May as well have said "Nice weather we are having"...

I would love to find a cute professional,
Ok, she wants a doctor/lawyer/or Mr. He-Man 'Wall Street' guy

confident
Someone more confident than her, obviously

respectful, honest, and very sweet guy
Again, this goes back to bringing up big warning flags on what guys this girl has scorned by. She probably was the college frat wh0re who did one too many double teams on 'Girls Gone Wild' and relocated from New Orleans to Hoboken since she is known down there as "Easy Street"

who knows how to treat a girl.
This is another classic one. Anytime you see this in a personal this isn't about opening up doors or flowers...this is about paying for EVERYTHING. Plus this is about VERY expensive restaurants for your 'professional' girlfriend who makes 25k a year.

I would prefer someone tall between the ages of 28-35 with a great personality.
Heh, remember she is 26, and looking for someone OLDER (which i'm all for) - but if you are reading the personal like i'm reading it - you know she is looking for a sugar daddy.

I'm 5'7, 115, athletic, straight long black hair, and green eyes.
Remember to add 20 pounds when reading personal ads.

Besides of work, I'm into sports/fitness (basket, tennis, jogging...), movies, music, dancing, reading, dinning out, beach, travelling, shopping...
Did I mention that most of these can be done with your credit cards? Shopping, Travel, Dining out, Movies, Music, Dancing...maybe you should get an extension on your credit limit, pal...

If you think you might be the person I have been looking for a long time
'looking for a long time' means that since she was 5 and playing 'house' with her stuffed dolls she has been waiting for "Dr. Right". She has fatal attraction written all over her.


AD #4:

I think I'm a pretty good catch, but doesn't everybody?? I'm out going, honest, caring, and always up for doing new things. I'll try anything once just to say I've done it. I've traveled extensively, both international and domestic. I love the outdoors, I grew up close to the beach and gained an appreciation for the mountains the more I explored. Being honest is very important to me and I usually tell it as it is, which I'm finding is not always a good thing, but I'm learning to hold my tongue everyday! My family is very important to me, they are a happy go lucky crew, who will do anything is the world for anybody. If you met me at a bar, I would be either playing pool/darts or sitting talking to an absolute complete stranger. I also enjoy eating out, LOVE the movies, dancing (I need to loosen up for that last activity) and good company. Thanks for taking the time to read about me, hopefully I'll hear from you soon!

She wants:
I would like to meet someone that has a great sense of adventure, even if it means just getting in the car and taking a unplanned trip upstate for the day. Appreciation of your family is a plus. You have charm, but you 're not a player. Smirks are always great, you let things roll off your shoulders, you don't have to be the life of the party but you're not sitting in the corner either. You love the outdoors but would settle for a movie and you don't mind that I can't always make up my mind right away!

And I will break down the good tidbits, heh heh heh:

I'm out going, honest, caring, and always up for doing new things.
This means that she might be a freak in bed and that is a good thing. 'Exit only' doesn't apply to her.

I'll try anything once just to say I've done it.
Bling, bling. Yea, baby.

I've traveled extensively, both international and domestic.
This means she comes from money. Warning flag is now up.

Being honest is very important to me and I usually tell it as it is, which I'm finding is not always a good thing, but I'm learning to hold my tongue everyday!
Translation is that she blasted all of her ex-boyfriends and was very critical of them 24 hours a day and 7 days a week. Now she has learned to stop being critical on Sundays.

My family is very important to me, they are a happy go lucky crew, who will do anything is the world for anybody.
Ok back to the money thing. Family means her dad. Happy go lucky means that she was given anything she wanted growing up - including trips to Europe & Asia. Warning flag #2.

If you met me at a bar, I would be either playing pool/darts or sitting talking to an absolute complete stranger.
Or in a puddle of my own vomit...so she is a crazy loner who goes to bars and plays...oh wait, I take it all back. Girls who play darts & pool are immediately cool in my book.

I also enjoy eating out, LOVE the movies, dancing (I need to loosen up for that last activity) and good company.
B-O-R-I-N-G. Come on, its a personal ad, you need to LOOSEN up on your lifestyle, rich girl. Say you like to do gravity bongs during Sunday sermons or something...

I would like to meet someone that has a great sense of adventure
Someone with a better sense of adventure than watching a movie with me

Appreciation of your family is a plus
Appreciation of MY family is a plus

You have charm, but you 're not a player.
Um, any guy who has charm *is* a player. The Average Frustrated Chumps don't get laid.

you let things roll off your shoulders
When I am critical of you for the next 365 days, just let it slide, please. I SAID LET IT SLIDE!

you don't have to be the life of the party but you're not sitting in the corner either.
You have a better personality when compared to mushrooms or various mold spores

you don't mind that I can't always make up my mind right away!
It takes me 2 hours to dress & reading a dinner menu is like trying to peruse "War and Peace". I'm slower than Ninjahedge reaching for his wallet after dinner.

Ad #5

Here is her profile:
After taking a brief hiatus from this, I decided to give it another try.
I love when they start like this. Obviously someone got the one way ticket to Dumpsville and is now back to exact revenge on men...

I guess I can best describe myself as fun - hence the 'boys lie' shirt.
Ha ha! See? I'm fun you...LYING PIECES OF SH1T!! Ha ha, see - laugh? I SAID LAUGH YOU LIARS! LAUGH!

If you knew me, you would know why it's funny.
If you knew me, you would also know to run in the other direction when I approach.

I tend to be socially active and am very easy going.
Or you could say: "easily lied to."

I like to be the center of attention and to make people laugh.
In other words I like to be the center of attention...get ready for about 100 phone calls a day...

However, I do know when to listen.
I'm good at listening for your lies, now, you punk-ass.

I enjoy some good repartee and sarcasm is key.
I can be sarcastic with you, but you better not be sarcastic with me you bastard.

Are you ready for some football? You got it. I love football and most major sports.
I especially love football players, I slept with most of those lying assholes in college.

I attempt to play golf and pretty much like anything outside.
subliminal lesbian thing here...yummy...

I have a good set of friends
Otherwise known as my DD breasts...

and a strong family background.
Daddy.

I am a confident person who will always tell it how it is (even if it's hard to say, but I swear I'll try to say it in the nicest way).
I'm not afraid to call you out, in front of your friends, and embarass the hell out of your lying, cheating heart.

In all, I'd say I am a well rounded person and am comfortable in my own skin.
Key word is "round" - I am about 50 pounds overweight...


Here is what she is looking for:

The recipe for a great relationship: 1. It is important to find a man who works around the house, occasionally cooks and cleans and who has a job.
Say what, sister?! Cooks, cleans and has a job?? No wonder why you don't have a man! What else, he likes to go down on you every half hour & only likes to see your relatives on the weekends??

2. It is important to find a man who makes you laugh.
Yawn, canned line. If it was important to find a man who makes you laugh, Carrottop would be getting laid every weekend instead of 'punching the monkey' like he does now.

3. It is important to find a man who is dependable and doesn't lie.
Anyone see a trend here? Ha ha. I love it!

4. It is important to find a man who's good in bed.
This is a great statement - but you better back it up, then. Lots of girl want someone who is great in bed, while they lie there like a fish.

5. It is important that these four men never meet.
Ok, this was funny. She gets a plus here.

I love this joke. And in some way, it does help to capture the qualities of the person I'm looking for - except one more thing - he's gotta be tall, too.
Joke, schmoke. Remember there is truth behind humor. Gotta be tall? Looks like half the Napoleon Guidos in Hoboken are out.

I would like to meet someone who has a good relationship with their family, but he is not dependent upon them.
Basically anyone not living in the basement of the family house & has a good relationship with them because he isn't a LIAR!

If we're talking about an all inclusive wish list, he would be smart, confident, kind, and did I say funny and tall?
CarrotTop is funny & tall - still doesn't get any, girl. Every person should be banned from asking for someone funny.

I am looking for someone who can hang with my friends just as much as I can hang out with his.
Yea right. Stop reading after the "just" part.

Please respond with pictures
I'm not hot, but you better be...plus funny & tall. And not a liar. And not living with your parents. And you can cook & clean. And not a liar.

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This page contains a single entry by Furey published on March 10, 2006 12:43 AM.

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