Is it better loved and lost than to not be loved at all?

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I really pick and choose on this site about what I like to talk about. One topic that I haven't really been able to delve into recently was my dating life. For you long time readers, or long time friends, you will know that i'm not really a guy who likes to...date.

My approach for the last 34 years has been the "get to know a girl, secretly have a crush on her, and pray to God that I ply her and me with enough alcohol to make a move". It isn't the most successful method, but its the path of least resistance for someone who hates rejection and hates the whole "dating" thing.

Sadly, like I mentioned, this really isn't a great method. Most girls who become friends with me put me into the "friend box" and if we did a roll call of my hot girl friends (two words) over the last 11 years of Hoboken, I would be looking like a pimp. I have had some incredibly hot girl friends.

Now here comes the tricky part of my story. How do I tell this tale without giving out too much information?

Ok since the end of April I was dating someone. Let's call her "Jill".

Now Jill is intensely private and even the fact that i'm writing this is going to bother her. But hopefully she understands that my writing is my outlet and won't freak out too much.

It was fun. Probably the most fun I had dating someone, since I don't like to date, ever. I can say that most other girls I have been with I just liked them. Jill was easily the first girl I felt something for other than "like". She has qualities about her that I absolutely would want to have when I find that "Mrs. Furey". She wasn't perfect, but then again - is anyone really perfect? We have our quirks. Some can be endearing, some can be maddening. The pro's just need to outweigh the con's.

Jill was cool. And smart. And funny. And adventerous. And sexy. Just writing this I am smiling when I think of her. She had most of the qualities that i'd like in a girl.

I knew her for a long time, she worked in Hoboken part time. For 2 years I would see her about once a week. We would make small-talk and I never had the guts to say anything.

I never thought she was interested in me.

One day, in talking with her, I mentioned the blog. I told her I write a bit, and she might like to check it out. So I asked for her email. We got to chatting over email and she was bold enough to call me out one day. She said to me, "You know that thing about making friends with girls you like...you are doing it again."

So I took the bait and asked her out. She agreed.

I was floored when she agreed. It was great. Dating her was fun. I knew her for a long time, so it was very easy going. Unfortunately for both of us there was a problem.

She was leaving in August to head to a new town and start studying for her doctorate. After a few weeks of dating we both were like, "Do we really want to continue this?"

As much as we liked each other I wasn't about to leave my career and she couldn't abandon hers. What do you do? My attitude was "fuck it", I figured we will just burn that bridge when we got there.

There are a lot of good stories that i'd share, but I can't. Suffice to say I had a great summer. One of the best in recent memory. It had it shares of ups and downs. Heartbreak and joy.

I learned a lot about me, and a lot more about relationships. I learned that emotion and logic are very hard in any relationship. I'm great with dispensing advice to my friends, because I have no vested emotion. Telling someone, "He's just not that into you - time to move on" sounds fine when it isn't your heart that weighs 100 tons. I think I learned how to be a bit more tactful when talking to someone about their relationship.

As for Jill and myself, our time in the sun is over. Maybe one day if she is single and I am single and we live closer to each other we can take another shot at a relationship. For now, we just remain long distance...friends? Well, I hope it's friends with benefits. :)

People have been asking me, "Are you sad?". I tell them that I would have had it no other way. I got to date a girl that I had a crush on for 2 years. Imagine if she moved away and I would have had to keep wondering what ever happened to her, or never had the chance to date her. No, i'm not sad. Its bittersweet. Certainly I would loved for Jill to stay here, and see where our road would have continued (or ended). But its also sweet that I have such good memories to remember her by.

There is still some summer left...and I have a pooch named Layla that I can borrow for long walks on Washington Street. Maybe there will be some more good entries for the Summer of 2006. Who knows?

4 Comments

I have known you for many years and you have been like my big (taller) brother in watching my relationships spin out and fail and meeting boy after boy after girl after boy :) You have always provided me with sound advice. I believe that everything happens for a reason. You learn something from everyone that touches you. Every time growing. Some sting more than others but I am a strong believer in fate. YOU came into MY life for a reason :) as did "Jill." You came into mine to be my drinking partner, bartender, advice man, and most of all friend. I'm babbeling but I want you to know that you are wonderful. Some flowers in your garden of life are worth revisiting over and over again... some weeds need to be squashed or yanked out. :) May your flowers always be sweet and your weeds be few.

XOXO
Dreamstar

You definitely did the right thing. I had been in a number of relationships and had done a fair amount of dating over the past ten years. Sometimes just a single date, some for a few months, some for over a year. They all (until I met my current fiancee) ended with a breakup and some were complete disasters, but I always was able to take some lesson away from each one to make the next one a better possibility. Sometimes it was figuring out something new about myself, sometimes it was learning what kind of girl I COULDN'T date, sometimes it was just the practice of getting through another awkward first date. There is no substitute for experience- good and bad.

I don't know you, but I bet tons of girls would want to date you if you only (as you've pointed out many times) didn't come across as the brother/drinking buddy/advisor on relationships from the getgo--don't be so nice in the beginning! ;)
Thanks for sharing your relationship story, I guess I'm a romantic, but I don't know why you didn't just follow your heart! Hoboken will always be there (and that electric bill) and life is too short!

From our own correspondence I can tell that you are a wonderful guy and a great catch. It is a shame that you don't take more chances when it comes to women and just let your feelings be known. Women are not mindreaders and I would bet you a million dollars that there are a ton of girls out there wondering why you never made a move on and blamed themselves, when you were the one holding out. Give love a chance :).

BTW, I have lots of love for you but I am not willing to give up my Uggs or my Jackie O's for any man!

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This page contains a single entry by Furey published on July 31, 2006 12:59 AM.

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