Sex, Lies and Hoboken

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Bartending over the years in Hoboken I have picked up on a few common "trueisms" about our town. Especially in the world of dating, mating and relating to the opposite sexes. Here are a few things that I have noticed about both sexes and you may agree, you may not agree, but I believe every one of them.

Just remember my golden rule: When I say "Women" or "Men" i'm talking about the majority. Most of them. Not all of them. Yes, there will always be the minority who read what I write and be dying to pipe up in the comments or an email to me. I'm just talking about the stereotypical here and remember, its all in fun don't take it personally.

1. There are two types of women in Hoboken - those looking for a career and those looking for a husband. If I had a nickel for every school teacher I met looking for a rich financial banker type i'd have a sack full of nickels.

2. There are two types of guys in Hoboken - bad boys & boring boys. The bad boys get laid all the time. The boring boys watch the bad boys get laid and wonder why they can't get laid.

3. 90% of all bad boys are really, well, bad. There isn't some nice heart in there, there is just a selfish prick who wants to get laid.

4. Most women love the bad boys from the ages of 21-25. Most grow out of it, after being burned time and time again by the bad boys. Some women luck out and find the bad boy with the heart of gold, but this is few and far between. I have personally witnessed it once, but the girl was a knockout & had a great personality and it makes sense that the bad boy treat her like gold.

5. "He's just not that into you" is a great book to read as a girl...or as a guy who wants to understand women better.

6. Understanding men is fairly basic, but most women cringe at it - if they don't understand it. What every guy wants is basically are all the good personality traits of their mother. If they had an italian mamma-mia mother who cooked & cleaned for them, they are gonna want that in their wife. If they had a fun & laid back mother - they are gonna want that, too. If they come from a broken home or had a really crappy mother, well they will be one of those confused motherfuckers who can't figure out what woman is good enough for them. If you are dating a guy and really dig him, figure out what kind of mom he had. Even if you don't want to be that chick that cooks and cleans (hey, I know some girls who dig that), even doing the little things are gonna get his attention (maybe like making him chocolate chip cookies...). Its not about changing who you are, but it is about finding out those things that make your man tick. What buttons you push that make him happy or make him mad are very important to learn early on in any relationship.

7. I'm convinced that every woman (and not just Hoboken women) is crazy to lesser or greater degrees. Now when I say "crazy", I mean that the are different than guys because they have a lot of factors that make them crazy. Hormones. Boys. Weight gain. Money problems. Parents. But the #1 reason: Baggage. You meet a girl at the right time in their life, everything is gravy. You meet a girl coming off a bad relationship where some guy completely fucked them up - you are gonna be the one to pay.

8. This doesn't mean men are any more normal than women. The problem with men in Hoboken is that its like a fucking buffet here. You meet one girl who is beautiful. Then you meet another who is beautiful and cool. Then you meet another who is beautiful, cool and extremely intelligent. Then you meet another who is beautiful, cool, extremely intelligent and has rich parents. Then maybe you meet a latin chick who is different than your caucasian girlfriend and now you dig her. Or maybe you are dating an awesome girl that every one of your guy friends think you will marry - but you now want to date a model. The amount of choices for men are insane around here. Also its not only a question of choices, but availability. Like I tell other people, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" i.e. Why get married when you can get laid all the time? Lots of guys put off the whole idea of marriage because they are getting tail. They think they can keep getting it for a long time and have no real incentive to "settle down" with just one girl, especially the bad boys & the players. This is why you see people who marry around here at 35, not 25.

9. Hoboken is loaded with very shallow people. Its funny when I talk to girls at the bar. When they think i'm "just a bartender" they don't really appear that interested. As soon as I mention that I have a corporate job, you can see the ones who are shallow who get a LOT more interested in me. It makes me laugh. And no, I wouldn't date them. This happened with a few other bartenders I worked with, too.

10. Hoboken is a town of fair weather friends. Being a transient town, and if you live here more than 5 years and are single, you are probably going to do the #1 activity - drinking. You will go to bars. Meet new people. Make new friends. Maybe you get a shore house and meet people that way. Take alcohol into the situation and inevitably there will be some kind of drama that will rear its ugly head. It comes in so many forms. Who slept with who. Who gossiped about who. Ex-girlfriends and ex-boyfriends and who's side do you take. Cheap friends. Who gets the bigger shore house room. I have seen great "best friends forever" (BFF's) become horrible enemies over the smallest of things.

11. Men judge their self worth with 3 basic criteria. Money. Body. Intelligence. Here's the breakdown. If you are rich and have a great job, you feel like you are important because you drive nice cars and wear nice clothing. If you aren't rich, but have a great physique you feel important because you are in tip top shape and can kick the ass of any of those "homo yuppie bankers" around. If you are smart, but don't have a lot of money and are in poor shape, you feel above those "meatheads" and "frat boy yuppies" because of your Mensa degree. Or maybe you don't have money, a great body or are very smart and you are some hipster working out of Frozen Monkey who have great tattoos and a collection of AFI b-list songs that make you cool. I don't know. My point is that most of the Hoboken guys can be broken down into those 3 basic criteria on defining their self worth, and you also could be a combination of all 3. You could be a semi-wealthy guy, with a good body and a noodle for a brain. So you are maybe 50% money, 40% body and 10% intelligence. Or a tech guy with an I.T. job, with a terrible body, and some smarts, so you are 40%, 0%, 60%. For me? I think i'm fairly well rounded. I have a good job, an athletic body (stop laughing, really), and an above average intelligence (i'm not that smart, look at my grammar), so i'm like 33%, 33%, 34%. :)

12. For women, well its basically the same thing but much more complicated. The hot girls know they have something about them that's hot - so you could be a girl who is flat chested - but you have a hot face. Or you could be a girl who is overweight - but have great boobs or a round ass. You could be an overweight girl, with a homely looks - but you are a doctor and make more money than those vapid yuppies, so that makes you better than them. But if you meet another doctor then it becomes "Where did she go to school" to define who is better.

13. Ok the "kicker" for points 11 & 12, about defining your self worth, for men or for women, is about WHO you are dating/fucking/married to. Maybe you are some average guy but your girlfriend is HOT, you sit there and may be a chump, but you are a chump than walks into the bar with a hot chick you become a someone. If you are some cute girl but are married to a very important Wall Street guy who drives a Porsche and has a house in the Hamptons, you feel much better about yourself, don't you? The key is that in Hoboken you will see most guys and girls living above their means to project an image of self worth. Guys who are renting a $2,000 condo on the waterfront, drive a BMW, wearing Hugo Boss, has a $1,500 watch, but living paycheck to paycheck. Women who can't seem to get their shopping under control and are under a mountain of debt, paying off the minimum balance on their credit cards just waiting to find Mr. Right.

14. Sugar Daddies. If there was one thing I have learned over my years is that there are a ton of girls who fall into the Sugar Daddy realm. It still amazes me. Quite simply there are guys out there, who are like in their 40s. They have money. They are usually divorced, but some are single or married, too. They have a lot of money and like to have beautiful girls around them. They go out to bars, and will buy drink after drink, spending TONS of money on random women, like a fisherman casting a line. Some they catch. And a lot of it isn't even sexual. Again, its about an older guy who likes the attention of younger women. They will take them out to expensive clubs in the city or on trips to South Beach. I met a late 40 something guy last year who was a very very important Director of a Bank in the city. The kind of guy that gets in the news. He was divorced and "dating" a 25 year old girl who was a friend of the girl I was dating. The two looked ridiculous together, but she was digging his money and he was digging her looks. To each their own. Hey, Sugar Daddies are fun. They have money and like to spend it. There are a lot of girls in Hoboken who simply don't make a lot of money and love to live their inner Carrie Bradshaw and go out in the city to the "places to be seen". It happens a lot more than you think. I always get the same answer from the girls, "Oh we were just friends." I shake my head and tell them, "I'm sure in your mind you were just friends, but there is no chance that this guy was dropping a few thousand dollars on you last month because he wanted a girl friend - i'm sure he was hoping you would fall for him."

15. The number one reason why relationships fail - you rush it. You rush from dating to intimacy too fast. Everyone wants to be in love. Being in love is great. But the jump from getting to know people to being around someone 24/7 is the absolute #1 reason why relationships fail around Hoboken.

16. Here are a couple of rules about first dates for guys or girls: Never make a first date more than dinner or drinks. Make the date a weekday, not weekend - you should always be busy weekends even if you are not. Ask questions, everyone likes to talk about themselves. If you asked them out, you should pay. Chew with your mouth closed. Don't get tanked on the first date. Stay mysterious. Do not excessively compliment someone, say one nice thing that night and try to choose something about them that isn't obvious (if you are dating someone with beautiful eyes, try to find something that they haven't heard a thousand times before). On the kiss good night, guys lean in 80% of the way and let her lean in 20% of the way (no, I didn't learn this by watching "Hitch", but from real world experiences). If (for some reason) you didn't walk her home and had a great date, send her a text message about 20 minutes after you left saying you "Had a wonderful time and just want to make sure she got home safe. :)" (it works on most girls, trust me) - but don't continue to text all night after that. Wait a day, maybe 2, call her for a second date. No matter how many times a girl will say they hate guys who do that - no girl wants to date someone who appears desperate. For the girls - if a guy doesn't call/email after a week, he is a toad. If he waits longer than a week to call you, he really isn't that interested, but is just bored and wants attention.

17. There are two types of people in Hoboken who understand how to get the opposite sex attracted to them and they are broken into two camps: conformists and non-conformists. The conformists are like what I wrote before, they are the ones who dress nicely, work out, or have a good job. The project an image of desirability (and depending on the girl or guy they want to impress, it usually can work). The non-conformists rail against everything and expect the world to change into their vision. You have women who expect that guys should look past that they are overweight. You have nerdy guys that think they should be dating models. You have girls or guys that sit home every weekend, not going out with friends or to the bars because they think that somehow they will meet someone (And you will hear the absurd stories about how their sister's roommates brother's co-worker met her Mr. Wonderful online or on a blind date). I think even doing little things to make yourself more desirable goes a long way. Eating right to lose some weight. Saving some extra money a month to buy some cool jeans. Spending more than $10 on a haircut. Get a girl friend to pick out a nice cologne. Rome wasn't built in a day. The key is just don't get so wrapped up in your looks or your money or your wonderful collection of AFI b-side records from the 2004 Amsterdam Festival. Make small improvements to get attention, don't be a peacock that preens themself at Trinity or Lua.

18. The key to "players" is that they are the one in the relationship who can be more aloof than the other person. Girls play guys. Guys can play girls. Its like poker, you can never let the other person know how you feel about it. If someone is calling you have to be just as infrequent with your responses, no matter how much you like them. Its easy advice to give, but very hard advice to follow since logic and emotion fight each other in every relationship. The key is just to temper your attention, if you will. Don't send them a text message all the time. Don't email them all day. Don't call them all the time. This drives people away, not make them closer to you.

19. Most married people tell me the same thing - Moving in with someone will not teach you what it is like to be married. Only marriage will teach that. Also I wouldn't suggest moving in with someone until you have the engagement ring out there. That's just my opinion. I think life can get extremely tricky if you move too quick, move in with someone who you aren't engaged to - and break up.

20. Two special rules. One, roommates should never date each other. Two, the "drunk girlfriend test target="_blank"" is a good way to figure out if your girlfriend is worth dating anymore & what friends of yours are true friends.


He's Just Not That Into You is a fabulous book and EVERY single woman should read it!!! There is a follow up book called, You Weren't Really That Into Him Either. I have bought these books for all of my single girlfriends and high school aged cousins.

Your "Baggage" theory applies to men to. Nothing worse then dating a guy that is freshly broken up or divorced who is disgustingly bitter.

Great write-up, just a few comments:

2 - We prefer the term "nice guy".

4 - I think you are a tad too generous to the females here. From my own observations, most like the bad boys until at least their late 20s, although at that point they like to pretend they don't anymore. The majority of single woman can't dump the bad boy desire until the big 3-0.

9 - Oh yes, most definitely. The meat market that parades the streets Thursday thru Saturday night is testament to that.

10 - I've definitely felt the change in looks when people have seen me with certain females.

There's a good reason why I'm marrying an older woman. The mentality of most guys in Hoboken is sickening, but the fact that so many women fall for it is even worse.

I couldn't agree more on most of the things you pointed out! Your three criterias on #11 made me laugh. I dated a couple of guys from Stevens, and they were 40% money, 10% body and 50% intelligent. :-D

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This page contains a single entry by Furey published on July 11, 2006 12:52 AM.

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