Hoboken: June 2005 Archives

Quirks About Hoboken


Living here for the last 9 years, there are a few quirks about Hoboken, that the regular newcomer may not know about. These are just a few of my random thoughts on the subject, and what applies to me, may not apply to you and should be read if you have a fucking sense of humor. Please, really, save the angry emails. ;)

1. Born and Raised Hobokenites (known as BnR's) hate all newcomers.

2. BnR's have an hierarchy based on how long your family has lived in Hoboken. The longer your family has lived in Hoboken, the more valid your "rights" are in town. Even snotty teenage BnR's who haven't been on this earth as long as YOU have lived in town get this attitude.

3. Everyone in Hoboken gossips. They gossip in every small town in America, just get used to it.

4. If you are single, you have two choices: a) Go out in New York to meet people or b) Make a pub your "local" (a regular pub you visit at least once a week and tip the bartenders well so they take care of you) to make friends and network.

5. If are a girl, you must have a cell phone. You must blab constantly on the cell phone in a very loud voice outdoors. Even if you don't have friends, just talk to yourself with your cell phone in your ear.

6. Every guy needs to get the "Jeans and Button Down Shirt" uniform, otherwise known as The Man Suit. Its the only look that you can wear when visiting Trinity, Lua or Madison's.

7. If you are a guy and are in a gym, you can only work out your upper body because women like that "thin chicken leg with a ripped upper body" look.

8. Realize that all your neighbors will be bastards. They will be very loud when they are closing doors, walking up stairs or playing bocce ball on their hardwood floors at 3am on a Wednesday morning. No matter how nicely you ask them to be quiet, they won't listen to you and its your fault that you didn't rent the top floor apartment, not theirs.

9. Are you a dog lover? Conformity rules in Hoboken, make sure you get the same dog everyone else has: The Pug - for single women, gay men or women in a relationship who have their poor boyfriends walk them. The Labrador - for the yuppies with one baby. The Jack Russell Terrier - For guys who get dogs to meet women and give them to the shelter after they realize that JRT's are neurotic like them. Anyone who doesn't own those 3 dogs owns a hound that is very expensive to make up for it.

10. You will live 15 minutes from New York, most Hobokenites haven't visited the Empire State Building, Statue of Liberty or any of the amazing museums. Almost everyone has been to Jake's Dilemma, however.

11. When in New York City and you negotiate a yellow cab ride back to Hoboken the cost is $35. Just agree to $35 before the ride starts and if he gives you grief, don't give in and pay more - you will fuck it up for the rest of us. If you are hot girl, you can get a lower price than us guys.

12. If you like any sports team that isn't from New York City, you are fucked. Sports reporters here suck ass and only talk as if the New York teams are the only teams that exist on the planet. Hey fuck it if the Philadelphia Eagles are ruling the season in December - lets talk about Derek Jeter and the Yanks! Oh, but the reporters here are happy to talk about your team when there is controversy.

13. Hoboken and NYC is the bandwagon capital of the universe. See anyone wearing a Knicks jersey? Nope. Wait until they start playing good and everyone crawls out of the woodwork with a new jersey.

14. Fashion in Hoboken is a joke, every girl wears the same "must have" fashion accessory of the moment. Right now its the Jackie O big ass ugly sunglass look or the "fruity-galoshes-that-I-would-have-worn-in-3rd-grade" look (when it rains).

15. Remember its not about saving money, its about making people believe you have money in Hoboken. Lease a BMW. Rent an expensive apartment. Buy designer clothing on your mommy and daddy's credit card or max out your own. A savings account? What's that?!

16. Any girl that tells you she is a grade-school teacher or works in Human Resources you can immediately translate into: "I'm waiting to meet a husband and be a stay at home mom".

17. Any guy who works "On the Street" or wears a suit out to Madison's on Tuesday nights (seriously guys - you can go home and change) will cheat on you at the drop of a hat.

18. Diet and exercise? Hah! It's cocaine, ephedrine or steroids in Hoboken!

19. If you own a home in town, you don't want more construction, because it will depreciate the price of your poorly constructed overpriced condo or brownstone. If you don't own a home in town, get used to the fact that everything is overpriced and poorly constructed.

20. You will make many friends in Hoboken until they meet a special other and then they disappear.

21. Most single Hobokenites get a shore house during the summers, unless they despise what they look like in a bathing suit or their parents own a place near the beach.

22. Bartenders really don't like you. They act like they like you. They really just want to make you think they like you to get you to visit their bar and tip them. As soon as you stop tipping them, they will stop liking you.

23. Hot single girls don't stay single for very long. When a new girl starts hanging out at your local - its like throwing chum into a shark tank - you better be the first guy to ask her out lest some loser gets to her first.

24. Hot single guys are always single. At least when their girlfriends aren't around.

25. Vito's Deli is a great deli - the hero specials they have up each weekend are delicious. They really need to make the London Broil with Mutz a regular sandwich, and not a special.

26. Politics is a big, big part of Hoboken. Before moving here I couldn't tell you who was mayor of my hometown, let alone any council people. Like I said before, its a small town so everyone talks about what the city government is doing with their money.

27. Sinatra was born here, but if you ask anyone where - no one really knows.

28. Girls like to dance in nice bars. This is why Madison's is popular and Dipper's isn't. It takes a special breed of women who enjoy pubs, and usually they are the most interesting ones to talk to.

29. Self worth is important to many Hobokenites. Some people define it with money (cars, clothes) or relationships (it doesn't matter who you are dating, as long as if you are dating) or school (Ivy League!) or status (summer in the Hamptons, dinners at Tao, drinks at SoHo House).

30. Two types of yuppies live in Hoboken: People who love Hoboken and people who can't afford NYC.

31. Going out in Hoboken isn't about meeting people. You get a circle of friends on the rooftop of City Bistro, only talk to them and look at everyone else there and don't talk to them.

32. In Hoboken every holiday has some event to get drunk.

33. BnR's hate yuppies, but are more than happy to make money off them.

34. It still boggles my mind that a J. Crew, Gap or Banana Republic haven't opened a store in Hoboken. It also boggles my mind that a Taco Bell hasn't opened here either.

36. Do not buy candy from the kids on Washington street, you aren't helping anyone. Every candy you buy means that more kids will invade the streets to bug us while we are trying to walk home.

37. Traffic lights are for cars AND pedestrians. Before you cross any street on Washington, look at the god damn light, you idiots.

38. Anyone caught by the police uriniating in public should have their face rubbed in it, like a dog, along with the fine. This also includes people who walk their dogs and don't clean up the dog crap on the sidewalks.

39. People enter the PATH train on the opposite side of the tracks, so they can get a seat first. Just realize that there are a lot of selfish people in Hoboken.

40. If you are single and under 35 and your weekend is about staying indoors and not going out to socialize - move to Jersey City or Weehawkin, please.

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This page is a archive of entries in the Hoboken category from June 2005.

Hoboken: May 2005 is the previous archive.

Hoboken: August 2005 is the next archive.

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