Hoboken: July 2006 Archives

Summertime brings out all sorts of new folk into Hoboken. Lots of them aren't locals, and you can tell this because most yuppies in town order 90% of the same drinks or beer: Jack and Coke, Stoli and Club Soda, Bud Light. Those are the standards. But, every once in a while you get the strange orders from customers, and they all fit into a stereotype. Here, for your pleasure, is the drink and stereotype list for Hoboken customers:

Budweiser: You are a teamster or belong to the local union. Have a strong preference to wearing flannel and rooting for the Jets.

Long Island Iced Tea: Still working on that GED, huh? Every person who orders this drink is on a quest to get as fucked up as quickly as possible.

Manhattan: 'Old Man River' will be the kind of guy who orders this. One drink and then off to watch some 'Matlock' at home, with a tall glass of prune juice.

Cosmopolitans: 'Sex and the City' is off the air, and you really shouldn't be ordering these anymore, honey.

Guinness: Anal, opinionated white people order this. The know-it-alls. They always tip exactly $1 per pint.

Sex On The Beach: People who order this drink are idiots. Airheaded girls or foreigners always order this drink. Yea, sure, it was popular sophomore year in college when you were making them at the Tri-Delt house.

Blue Moon: This is the "beer of the moment". Every beer goes through phases. When I first moved into town, like in 1995, Amstel Light was what everyone ordered. Then, Sam Adams. Then Yuengling. Then Stella. Now it's Blue Moon. I'm not saying its a bad beer, but its like EVERYONE orders it now.

Red Bull and Vodka: Your leased BMW is illegally parked, your "boys" are all at Lua or Lounge 11, you made sure you didn't wear your wedding ring and you are out of cocaine and need your fix.

Scotch, neat: The Alpha Alcoholics. All other drunks tremble in their presence. I pee in my pants a little when a customer orders it.

Martini, dry: International Law Of Bartenders declared in 1978 that anyone asking for it "Shaken, not stirred" is subject to a slap to the face and public humiliation. But anyone else who orders this is either over 40 years old or some jackass Gordon Gekko wanna be who works in a boileroom and wants to appear sophisticated in his $600 suit and $85 shoes.

Jim Beam: Beam drinkers are always the frat house guys. I'm not talking about Jack drinkers or Maker Mark drinkers, just Jim Beam. They are either in a frat, or when they order one - thinking about the days of Penn State and getting wrecked on Beam every weekend. Beam drinkers are fun people to hang out with.

Margaritas: These people are the same idiots who were ordering the Long Island Iced Tea 5 years ago and now want to get even more fucked up and ready for a fight. If you are a man and use Patron for a Margarita, you deserve to be kicked in the crotch, you prententious bastard. If you are a woman, you get punched in the breast. Yea, we all know that will be sore for days.

Frozen drinks: Chicks order frozen drinks. I thank God everyday I go to bartend that we have a frozen drink machine and not a blender. Thank you baby Jesus in Heaven.

Rob Roy: Never heard of a Rob Roy? You aren't alone. In 1908 Henry Ford created the Model T, which ran on gasoline and the Model R, which ran on the Rob Roy. Every once in a while you can find someone who still drinks this "alternative fuel" of the Ford Motor Company.

Vodka Cranberry: The 90's are over. Please let it go.

Gin and Tonic: There's a reason why Gin is called "Mother's Ruin", and just take a good look at the people drinking them. They might raise their glass and say, "It's medicinal!" while they quaff their 8th one of the afternoon while if you listen closely, you can hear their livers scream in agony.

Courvoisier: I have yet to meet a single white person who orders this. Those that do order it are horrible, horrible tippers. Oh, and don't forget - they will always look at the snifter and say, "Hey, that's it? Can you fill it up more?" When they get tired of Courvoisier, they order Heineken.

Corona: Two types of people drink Corona. Yuppies who put their cute limes in the drink or a bit of Bacardi Limon, and maybe a shot of "something fruity". The other people who order it are illegal immigrants who work in the kitchens of Hoboken. They drink it like water. Everytime I see a south american worker walk in I don't even have to ask what they want (and for the love of God don't insult them by giving them limes). If I ever had to enter the Chugging Olympics - i'd just go back into the kitchen and get Jose, Jose and Carlos on my team. I'd get a case of Corona, sip on 1 and let them handle the rest which will be gone in about 34.5 seconds.

White Wine Spritzer: Its usually the housewives or ultra conservative girls who order these. 3 drinks later and they are sloshed and have the same reactions of every drinker (horny, angry, silly) but since they are lightweights they are always much LOUDER about it. I love my job when I get to watch Miss Priss lay into her cuckholded boyfriend about how he doesn't love her enough. I'm just washing glasses and trying not to laugh.

Patron Tequila: 90% of these sullen drunks are either in a really bad relationship or just got out of one in the last 3 months. The other 10% get drunk, go home and sacrifice a puppy to their lord, Satan.

Coors Light: No one really will admit they like Coors Light. Much like no guy really admits they mastrubate to their girlfriend's girl friends. Enough said.

Screwdriver: I can honestly say I think I made this drink about 5 times in the last four years. I'm sure in 1978 this drink was huge at Studio 54.

Dewars, on the rocks or neat: Annoying people drink this Blended Scotch whisky. They were probably the hall-monitor in elementary school. Ran the projector in class. Would nark on everyone if they were cheating on a test. As an adult, they aren't much different. They are the kind of coworker that would email your boss if you got into an arguement with them at work, rather than handling it like a man. Easily slighted and can't be the "better man" in any arguement.

White Russian: Only the most clueless drinkers will drink MILK with ALCOHOL. You drink more than 3 of these, and I will guarantee that you will be puking all over my bathroom.

Captain and Coke: Suave, sophisticated and charming are these drinkers. Perhaps they have many extracurricular activities like running a Social Sports Club, blogging, and writing restaurant reviews, while fending off the multiple advances of women (and men!) in their lives. They also have a huge ego and a very good imagination, so keep the compliments coming.

Cuba Libre: Fuck you. No, seriously, FUCK YOU. Cuba Libre. Shut up, you asshole, and just order a Rum and Coke.

White Zinfandel: Lets be honest here. It should be renamed "White Trash". Everyone from Bayonne and Staten Island who somehow let lost and end up in Hoboken, and try to come off as sophisticated. You want to know a quick way to immediately scream "WHITE TRASH" - order wine and add ice to it.

Sex, Lies and Hoboken


Bartending over the years in Hoboken I have picked up on a few common "trueisms" about our town. Especially in the world of dating, mating and relating to the opposite sexes. Here are a few things that I have noticed about both sexes and you may agree, you may not agree, but I believe every one of them.

Just remember my golden rule: When I say "Women" or "Men" i'm talking about the majority. Most of them. Not all of them. Yes, there will always be the minority who read what I write and be dying to pipe up in the comments or an email to me. I'm just talking about the stereotypical here and remember, its all in fun don't take it personally.

1. There are two types of women in Hoboken - those looking for a career and those looking for a husband. If I had a nickel for every school teacher I met looking for a rich financial banker type i'd have a sack full of nickels.

2. There are two types of guys in Hoboken - bad boys & boring boys. The bad boys get laid all the time. The boring boys watch the bad boys get laid and wonder why they can't get laid.

3. 90% of all bad boys are really, well, bad. There isn't some nice heart in there, there is just a selfish prick who wants to get laid.

4. Most women love the bad boys from the ages of 21-25. Most grow out of it, after being burned time and time again by the bad boys. Some women luck out and find the bad boy with the heart of gold, but this is few and far between. I have personally witnessed it once, but the girl was a knockout & had a great personality and it makes sense that the bad boy treat her like gold.

5. "He's just not that into you" is a great book to read as a girl...or as a guy who wants to understand women better.

6. Understanding men is fairly basic, but most women cringe at it - if they don't understand it. What every guy wants is basically are all the good personality traits of their mother. If they had an italian mamma-mia mother who cooked & cleaned for them, they are gonna want that in their wife. If they had a fun & laid back mother - they are gonna want that, too. If they come from a broken home or had a really crappy mother, well they will be one of those confused motherfuckers who can't figure out what woman is good enough for them. If you are dating a guy and really dig him, figure out what kind of mom he had. Even if you don't want to be that chick that cooks and cleans (hey, I know some girls who dig that), even doing the little things are gonna get his attention (maybe like making him chocolate chip cookies...). Its not about changing who you are, but it is about finding out those things that make your man tick. What buttons you push that make him happy or make him mad are very important to learn early on in any relationship.

7. I'm convinced that every woman (and not just Hoboken women) is crazy to lesser or greater degrees. Now when I say "crazy", I mean that the are different than guys because they have a lot of factors that make them crazy. Hormones. Boys. Weight gain. Money problems. Parents. But the #1 reason: Baggage. You meet a girl at the right time in their life, everything is gravy. You meet a girl coming off a bad relationship where some guy completely fucked them up - you are gonna be the one to pay.

8. This doesn't mean men are any more normal than women. The problem with men in Hoboken is that its like a fucking buffet here. You meet one girl who is beautiful. Then you meet another who is beautiful and cool. Then you meet another who is beautiful, cool and extremely intelligent. Then you meet another who is beautiful, cool, extremely intelligent and has rich parents. Then maybe you meet a latin chick who is different than your caucasian girlfriend and now you dig her. Or maybe you are dating an awesome girl that every one of your guy friends think you will marry - but you now want to date a model. The amount of choices for men are insane around here. Also its not only a question of choices, but availability. Like I tell other people, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" i.e. Why get married when you can get laid all the time? Lots of guys put off the whole idea of marriage because they are getting tail. They think they can keep getting it for a long time and have no real incentive to "settle down" with just one girl, especially the bad boys & the players. This is why you see people who marry around here at 35, not 25.

9. Hoboken is loaded with very shallow people. Its funny when I talk to girls at the bar. When they think i'm "just a bartender" they don't really appear that interested. As soon as I mention that I have a corporate job, you can see the ones who are shallow who get a LOT more interested in me. It makes me laugh. And no, I wouldn't date them. This happened with a few other bartenders I worked with, too.

10. Hoboken is a town of fair weather friends. Being a transient town, and if you live here more than 5 years and are single, you are probably going to do the #1 activity - drinking. You will go to bars. Meet new people. Make new friends. Maybe you get a shore house and meet people that way. Take alcohol into the situation and inevitably there will be some kind of drama that will rear its ugly head. It comes in so many forms. Who slept with who. Who gossiped about who. Ex-girlfriends and ex-boyfriends and who's side do you take. Cheap friends. Who gets the bigger shore house room. I have seen great "best friends forever" (BFF's) become horrible enemies over the smallest of things.

11. Men judge their self worth with 3 basic criteria. Money. Body. Intelligence. Here's the breakdown. If you are rich and have a great job, you feel like you are important because you drive nice cars and wear nice clothing. If you aren't rich, but have a great physique you feel important because you are in tip top shape and can kick the ass of any of those "homo yuppie bankers" around. If you are smart, but don't have a lot of money and are in poor shape, you feel above those "meatheads" and "frat boy yuppies" because of your Mensa degree. Or maybe you don't have money, a great body or are very smart and you are some hipster working out of Frozen Monkey who have great tattoos and a collection of AFI b-list songs that make you cool. I don't know. My point is that most of the Hoboken guys can be broken down into those 3 basic criteria on defining their self worth, and you also could be a combination of all 3. You could be a semi-wealthy guy, with a good body and a noodle for a brain. So you are maybe 50% money, 40% body and 10% intelligence. Or a tech guy with an I.T. job, with a terrible body, and some smarts, so you are 40%, 0%, 60%. For me? I think i'm fairly well rounded. I have a good job, an athletic body (stop laughing, really), and an above average intelligence (i'm not that smart, look at my grammar), so i'm like 33%, 33%, 34%. :)

12. For women, well its basically the same thing but much more complicated. The hot girls know they have something about them that's hot - so you could be a girl who is flat chested - but you have a hot face. Or you could be a girl who is overweight - but have great boobs or a round ass. You could be an overweight girl, with a homely looks - but you are a doctor and make more money than those vapid yuppies, so that makes you better than them. But if you meet another doctor then it becomes "Where did she go to school" to define who is better.

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This page is a archive of entries in the Hoboken category from July 2006.

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