Summertime brings out all sorts of new folk into Hoboken. Lots of them aren't locals, and you can tell this because most yuppies in town order 90% of the same drinks or beer: Jack and Coke, Stoli and Club Soda, Bud Light. Those are the standards. But, every once in a while you get the strange orders from customers, and they all fit into a stereotype. Here, for your pleasure, is the drink and stereotype list for Hoboken customers:
Budweiser: You are a teamster or belong to the local union. Have a strong preference to wearing flannel and rooting for the Jets.
Long Island Iced Tea: Still working on that GED, huh? Every person who orders this drink is on a quest to get as fucked up as quickly as possible.
Manhattan: 'Old Man River' will be the kind of guy who orders this. One drink and then off to watch some 'Matlock' at home, with a tall glass of prune juice.
Cosmopolitans: 'Sex and the City' is off the air, and you really shouldn't be ordering these anymore, honey.
Guinness: Anal, opinionated white people order this. The know-it-alls. They always tip exactly $1 per pint.
Sex On The Beach: People who order this drink are idiots. Airheaded girls or foreigners always order this drink. Yea, sure, it was popular sophomore year in college when you were making them at the Tri-Delt house.
Blue Moon: This is the "beer of the moment". Every beer goes through phases. When I first moved into town, like in 1995, Amstel Light was what everyone ordered. Then, Sam Adams. Then Yuengling. Then Stella. Now it's Blue Moon. I'm not saying its a bad beer, but its like EVERYONE orders it now.
Red Bull and Vodka: Your leased BMW is illegally parked, your "boys" are all at Lua or Lounge 11, you made sure you didn't wear your wedding ring and you are out of cocaine and need your fix.
Scotch, neat: The Alpha Alcoholics. All other drunks tremble in their presence. I pee in my pants a little when a customer orders it.
Martini, dry: International Law Of Bartenders declared in 1978 that anyone asking for it "Shaken, not stirred" is subject to a slap to the face and public humiliation. But anyone else who orders this is either over 40 years old or some jackass Gordon Gekko wanna be who works in a boileroom and wants to appear sophisticated in his $600 suit and $85 shoes.
Jim Beam: Beam drinkers are always the frat house guys. I'm not talking about Jack drinkers or Maker Mark drinkers, just Jim Beam. They are either in a frat, or when they order one - thinking about the days of Penn State and getting wrecked on Beam every weekend. Beam drinkers are fun people to hang out with.
Margaritas: These people are the same idiots who were ordering the Long Island Iced Tea 5 years ago and now want to get even more fucked up and ready for a fight. If you are a man and use Patron for a Margarita, you deserve to be kicked in the crotch, you prententious bastard. If you are a woman, you get punched in the breast. Yea, we all know that will be sore for days.
Frozen drinks: Chicks order frozen drinks. I thank God everyday I go to bartend that we have a frozen drink machine and not a blender. Thank you baby Jesus in Heaven.
Rob Roy: Never heard of a Rob Roy? You aren't alone. In 1908 Henry Ford created the Model T, which ran on gasoline and the Model R, which ran on the Rob Roy. Every once in a while you can find someone who still drinks this "alternative fuel" of the Ford Motor Company.
Vodka Cranberry: The 90's are over. Please let it go.
Gin and Tonic: There's a reason why Gin is called "Mother's Ruin", and just take a good look at the people drinking them. They might raise their glass and say, "It's medicinal!" while they quaff their 8th one of the afternoon while if you listen closely, you can hear their livers scream in agony.
Courvoisier: I have yet to meet a single white person who orders this. Those that do order it are horrible, horrible tippers. Oh, and don't forget - they will always look at the snifter and say, "Hey, that's it? Can you fill it up more?" When they get tired of Courvoisier, they order Heineken.
Corona: Two types of people drink Corona. Yuppies who put their cute limes in the drink or a bit of Bacardi Limon, and maybe a shot of "something fruity". The other people who order it are illegal immigrants who work in the kitchens of Hoboken. They drink it like water. Everytime I see a south american worker walk in I don't even have to ask what they want (and for the love of God don't insult them by giving them limes). If I ever had to enter the Chugging Olympics - i'd just go back into the kitchen and get Jose, Jose and Carlos on my team. I'd get a case of Corona, sip on 1 and let them handle the rest which will be gone in about 34.5 seconds.
White Wine Spritzer: Its usually the housewives or ultra conservative girls who order these. 3 drinks later and they are sloshed and have the same reactions of every drinker (horny, angry, silly) but since they are lightweights they are always much LOUDER about it. I love my job when I get to watch Miss Priss lay into her cuckholded boyfriend about how he doesn't love her enough. I'm just washing glasses and trying not to laugh.
Patron Tequila: 90% of these sullen drunks are either in a really bad relationship or just got out of one in the last 3 months. The other 10% get drunk, go home and sacrifice a puppy to their lord, Satan.
Coors Light: No one really will admit they like Coors Light. Much like no guy really admits they mastrubate to their girlfriend's girl friends. Enough said.
Screwdriver: I can honestly say I think I made this drink about 5 times in the last four years. I'm sure in 1978 this drink was huge at Studio 54.
Dewars, on the rocks or neat: Annoying people drink this Blended Scotch whisky. They were probably the hall-monitor in elementary school. Ran the projector in class. Would nark on everyone if they were cheating on a test. As an adult, they aren't much different. They are the kind of coworker that would email your boss if you got into an arguement with them at work, rather than handling it like a man. Easily slighted and can't be the "better man" in any arguement.
White Russian: Only the most clueless drinkers will drink MILK with ALCOHOL. You drink more than 3 of these, and I will guarantee that you will be puking all over my bathroom.
Captain and Coke: Suave, sophisticated and charming are these drinkers. Perhaps they have many extracurricular activities like running a Social Sports Club, blogging, and writing restaurant reviews, while fending off the multiple advances of women (and men!) in their lives. They also have a huge ego and a very good imagination, so keep the compliments coming.
Cuba Libre: Fuck you. No, seriously, FUCK YOU. Cuba Libre. Shut up, you asshole, and just order a Rum and Coke.
White Zinfandel: Lets be honest here. It should be renamed "White Trash". Everyone from Bayonne and Staten Island who somehow let lost and end up in Hoboken, and try to come off as sophisticated. You want to know a quick way to immediately scream "WHITE TRASH" - order wine and add ice to it.