Top 5: November 2004 Archives

Top 5 Reasons to Hate Southern California

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Sure, I could have done "love" but isn't hating much more fun?

1. "The Inland Empire" - empire.jpg
Many of you may not know, but the residents of the area of Southern California, away from the coast, refers to themselves as "The Inland Empire". They have a magazine, its on craigslist,, and even watching the news weather they say, "On the coast it will be 67 degrees and the Inland Empire will be 64...". What the hell? Inland Empire? "Hello? Insecurity: Line 1. Its Southern California calling."

2. Disneyland - I was there for 6 hours and got to see 6 attractions. It cost $60 to get in per person (It was very nice of my sister and brother-in-law to pay for the entry fee), lunch was ridiculous, and the lines were enormous. By the end of the day I wanted to get a Valium drip. On a side note, I wanted to rename Disneyland into "The Pedophile Kingdom" because of all the 15 year old girls who were dressed up like they were 18. It was ridiculous. I know i'm sounding old when I say this - but what the fuck happened to kids in the last 10 years? I want to say more, but I don't want to get sued by lawyers from Disney. After seeing what I saw that day I hope that when I have children they are all boys.

Top 5 Diamond Commercials I'd Like To See

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This was meant for Monday, but I was busy!!

After Halloween all the new holiday commercials start. Is it me or is every other commercial a diamond commercial?

Kay Jewelers has: "Every kiss begins with Kay!"
DeBeers advertises: "Diamonds are forever."
Zales "The Diamond Store" exclaims: "Buy a Zales diamonds and you will get laid."

Fine. Zales doesn't REALLY advertise that, but come on isn't that what all these commercials are really saying? They are simply eluding to what the rest of our shallow and materialistic country already knows - you don't express love through actions but on how many gifts you shower your special other with.

With that in mind, these would be the commercials that I would promote for the next series of diamonds ads that we are getting slammed with ad nauseum during the holiday season.

Top 5 Personal Ad Mistakes For Women


I love reading personal ads, and critique them here. Most people need to be a bit more creative on personal ads, and get the attention of the readers as soon as they can. Here are the top 5 mistakes in personal ads written by women FOR men:

1. Men stopped mentally maturing at 16 years old. Oh, i'm sure some guys put up a strong front, but deep down they are all children. When writing, key in on those things that you think a 16 year old guy wants. Common mistakes & fixes:

  • Long walks on the beach = bad. Sex on the beach = good.
  • Looking for Mr. Right = bad. Looking for Mr. Right Now = good.
  • Doesn't like a guy who plays games = bad. Looking for a guy who likes Xbox = good.
  • Needs someone that won't tie them down = bad. Needs someone they can tie up = good.
  • Likes classical music & foreign films = bad. Likes classic rock & foreign porn movies = good.

    2. Leave your baggage at home. How many personal ads are really a cry for help? There are some common threads in all the personal ads which really tell a lot about the woman and the guy they were dating. Here are my favorites:

  • "Looking for someone trustworthy." - you dated a liar.
  • "Looking for someone classy." - If you say "classy" you aren't "classy".
  • "Loves to appreciated." - someone was ignored too much.
  • "Loves to travel" - especially when its on my boyfriend's dime.
  • "Someone who is open and ready for a new relationship..." - looking to marry.

    3. Men are shallow. Its sad, but true. When putting those pictures up on or - you *may* want a guy friend to give the thumbs up or down. A few pictures that men don't want to see:

  • The cut-off picture. You know that picture. Its the one of you and the half of ex-boyfriend's left arm.
  • 1998 Graduation picture. Usually holding a rose to your cheek or starting off in the distance with a lithium induced
  • Blurry or distant pictures. Ok, lets get real here. You have the ad up, lets get a clear picture of you up there. Leave the games for the first date.
  • A RECENT picture. Yes, you were hot at 21 and not at 31.

  • Top 5 Things I Hate About The PATH

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    Here are my top 5 things I hate about the PATH:

    1. What's up with the 1960 decor? The Hoboken PATH station is very much in need of a makeover. It looks like something from Better Homes & Gardens: Bosnia. Can we get more concerete and pale flourescent lighting in there, please? The trains are older than me. I also love how it seems the pillars have about 46 coats of paint on them.

    2. People who wait on the other side of the tracks should be beaten with rubber hoses. You know who you are. You are the people who wait on the side of the PATH train when it rolls into the station - the side where the doors open first to let the passengers off - so you can scurry inside the train and get a seat. This needs to be outlawed for two reasons.

  • The passengers getting off have to shove their way through a crowd of people who are too rude to let them off the train.
  • Really, this is the equivalent of butting in line. Rather than waiting their turn on the center platform for the 33rd Street Train - they are being sneaky.

    3. Take your backpacks, messenger bags and purses off! I'm tired of getting poked and prodded by someone wearing a backpack who doesn't take them off when they get on the train. Simple rule: Get on the train. Take off your backpack. Put it between your feet while you stand.

    4. Time to build an express train. We already have a tunnel in place, if another track was built next to it, for express trains, this would be key. Have the train make two stops: 14th street and 33rd street. A 20 minute train ride to 33rd street now becomes a 10 minute ride.

    5. Combine MetroCard and PathCards. Why doesn't someone get smart and make the equivalent of EZ Pass for public transportation? You have ONE card that will allow you to take the bus, subway, PATH, train - whatever! Make a universal debit card that is used for all forms of public transportation!

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    This page is a archive of entries in the Top 5 category from November 2004.

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